Sunday, March 18, 2007

The Furious Fur Ball’s Mexican Standoff In Dumpster Land

I got a dumpster diving safety tip for ya all.

Raccoons and other furry critters eat in dumpsters.

In all my years of dumpster diving, I was only surprised by one Raccoon in a dumpster one time, and luckily it did not run outa the dumpster over top of me. That little sucka only ran about 30 feet away though and turned around to see if I was chasin it cause it thought that I was a huge predator comin after it to make it my yummy little prey. But when it saw me just standin there lookin at it, that crazy critter musta figured we was both after chucked out food and was competitors. The dumpster was behind a small office building, so the only food ever in it was from unfinished lunches. Local homeowners doing home and garage cleanouts and chuckin the stuff in there illegaly was my best source of good reusable items found in that dumpster, and I wasn’t gonna leave till I checked it.

I stomped at zeee Raccoooon, but it stood firm, stared hard at me, and angrily hissssed. It wouldn’t back down. I could not safely turn my attention from it and dumpster dive.

It was like The Furious Fur Ball’s Mexican Standoff In Dumpster Land.

Zee hungry crittaah stood its grouwwnd firmly and tried its most natural best to back me down and scare me away from its snack shack. There was just enough light shining down from an overhead streetlamp for me to see that thee Raccoooon’s itty-bitty dark eyeballs were psychically sending out near-vicious vibes that were meant to convey this message, “Back down yerself ya tall dumb critter, I got strong, sharp teeth and wicked fast switchblade claws and know how ta use um.”

Beins I’s an old ex-Maine Guide and knows that ya gotta stay clear of rabid Racoooons, I looked at the critter’s hisssin, sorta snarrrlin, sharp toothed little mouth and its overall general appearance and watched its movements very closely for any of the signs of that mind and body ravaging disease named Rabies. Nope, no foaming at the mouth or anything, it did not aggressively move in towards me, it was just an ornery critter. So I stomped at it step by step and over a fence that lined the alley there and up a tree on the other side of the fence it went. What a tough sum beechy that Coon was.

Now look, I wasn’t being unfair to a fellow dumpster diver. It was after dark and about 10PM, and I had to get the d-diving done before it was time for the reasonably more suspicious night shift cops to come on duty. I wanted to get home before 11. The Raccoon was just beginning its natural nocturnal wandering’s, so it had plenty of time to come back and eat. There wasn’t ever much food scraps in there anyway, it just smelled sooo interesting in there to the Coon, and I wasn’t taking what the critter wanted and vice-a-versy. Plus, there is an apartment building right there over that fence that the Raccoon climbed over and there were plenty of dumpsters full of sloppy, juicy kitchen waste there and therefore much better d-divin ops for the Coon.

Watch out for them furry critters when dumpster diving at night. Beware of Raccoons, and definitely Opossums too. Possums have long, nasty, pointy-sharp teeth for tearing flesh, and they will, at rare times, turn on you and hissss angrily too. Foxes are all over cities and suburbs now, and Coyotes also. These critters have all been seen and photographed digging in trashcans, so that means they all probably hit dumpsters too. And you should see how a Fox pops way up and over a backyard fence, like it is bouncing on an Electric Pogo Stick; that means that they can get into some dumpsters. Heh, heh, hey, oh jeeze, now come to think of it, there's a big ruckus on in New Jersey between some local politicians and citizens about whether certain small town, suburban type municipalities should begin paying for and distributing bear proof trash cans and dumpsters. Whooweee! Watch out for them bears!!

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